Shame & Self-Worth

What Is Shame?

Most of us know what shame feels like.

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. The desire to hide. The voice in your head telling you that you're not good enough, that there's something wrong with you, or that if people really knew you, they'd reject you.

Shame can affect every part of our lives. It can influence how we see ourselves, how we relate to other people, the relationships we choose, the boundaries we set, and even whether we feel deserving of happiness, love, and success.

In my experience, shame sits at the heart of many of the difficulties people bring to therapy, including addiction, anxiety, low self-esteem, people-pleasing, codependency, loneliness, and relationship problems.

Healthy Shame vs Unhealthy Shame

Not all shame is unhealthy.

Healthy shame helps us live alongside other people. It reminds us that our actions affect others and encourages us to take responsibility when we have caused harm.

For example, if we lie to someone we care about, healthy shame may encourage us to apologise and make amends.

Unhealthy shame is different.

Unhealthy shame doesn't tell us that we have made a mistake. It tells us that we are the mistake.

Instead of:

"I did something wrong."

It becomes:

"There is something wrong with me."

This kind of shame attacks our sense of worth and identity. It leaves us feeling defective, inadequate, and fundamentally flawed.

How We Learn Shame

None of us are born believing we are not good enough.

Shame is something we learn.

Sometimes we learn it through obvious experiences such as bullying, rejection, abuse, discrimination, or being repeatedly criticised.

Sometimes it develops in more subtle ways.

Many people I work with grew up with parents who loved them but were unable to meet all of their emotional needs. Their parents may have been struggling with addiction, mental health difficulties, trauma, stress, or simply repeating the patterns they themselves had inherited.

As children, we naturally assume that our parents are right. So when our emotional needs go unmet, we often conclude that the problem must be us.

We may begin to believe:

"I'm too much."

"I'm not enough."

"My feelings don't matter."

"My needs are a burden."

"If people really knew me, they wouldn't love me."

These beliefs often continue into adulthood long after the original circumstances have passed.

I've also written more extensively about how shame develops and why so many of us grow up believing there's something wrong with us in my article Many of Us Spend Years Believing There's Something Wrong With Us.

The Shame We Learn From Society

Shame doesn't only come from our families.

We also absorb messages from the wider world around us.

We are constantly told how we should look, behave, perform, earn, achieve, parent, love, and live.

Many of us grow up comparing ourselves to impossible standards.

For LGBTQ+ people, shame can be reinforced through experiences of stigma, rejection, discrimination, or messages that who we are is somehow wrong.

For men, shame often appears in messages that we should be strong, self-sufficient, emotionally controlled, and never vulnerable.

The result is that many people spend years hiding parts of themselves in order to feel accepted, safe, or loved.

How Shame Keeps Us Stuck

Shame thrives in secrecy.

The more ashamed we feel, the more likely we are to hide ourselves from others.

We may:

These strategies often provide temporary relief.

But they rarely address the underlying shame.

Instead, they often reinforce it.

I've explored this link between shame and addiction in more depth in Why Addiction Isn't Really About Drugs.

How Therapy Can Help

One of the most powerful antidotes to shame is being seen.

Not the polished version of ourselves.

Not the version we present to the world.

But the parts we fear are unacceptable.

Therapy can offer a space where those parts can be spoken about openly and explored without judgement.

Over time, many people begin to discover that the things they believed made them unlovable, broken, or defective are often the very things that connect them to their shared humanity.

As shame begins to loosen its grip, self-worth can start to grow.

You may find yourself becoming less reliant on external validation, setting healthier boundaries, speaking to yourself with greater compassion, and feeling more comfortable being authentically yourself.

Because the truth is that there is nothing inherently wrong with you.

There may be wounds that need tending, losses that need grieving, and old beliefs that need questioning.

But beneath all of that, there is something inherently right with you.

Therapy can help you reconnect with it.