Have You Lost Your Relationship with Yourself?

You might be the person everyone relies on.

The one who keeps the peace. Who notices when someone else is upset before they've even said anything. Who instinctively puts other people's needs before your own.

You might find yourself saying yes when you wanted to say no. Worrying about disappointing people. Apologising even when you've done nothing wrong. Replaying conversations in your head, wondering whether you've upset someone.Perhaps you lose yourself in relationships, finding it harder and harder to know what you think, what you feel, or what you actually want.

From the outside, you may seem capable, caring and generous. Inside, though, you might feel exhausted from holding everything together, anxious about letting people down, or quietly resentful that your own needs always seem to come last.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Many of the men I work with recognise themselves in these patterns, often without realising there's a name for them.

These patterns are often described as codependency. It's not about caring too much. It's about losing yourself in the process.

My understanding of codependency is heavily influenced by Pia Mellody's groundbreaking work in Facing Codependence. Her model closely reflects my own understanding, developed through professional training and years of supporting clients struggling with shame, addiction and relationship difficulties.

In this model, codependency isn't seen as a personality flaw or weakness. It's understood as a way of relating that often develops in childhood or earlier relationships, where keeping other people happy, avoiding conflict, or putting your own needs aside once helped you feel safer, accepted, or loved.

Pia Mellody's Five Core Symptoms of Codependency

Pia Mellody identified five core patterns that often appear in codependency. You don't need to recognise yourself in every one of them.

1. Difficulty Experiencing Healthy Self-Esteem

You may feel either less than or better than others

Your self-worth may depend on what other people think of you, how useful you are, your relationships, your appearance, your work, sex, achievement, or being needed.

You might spend your life chasing approval while never quite believing you’re enough. Or you might find yourself judging others, looking down on people, or needing to feel superior, because feeling “better than” can become the only way to avoid feeling worthless underneath.

Healthy self-esteem is different. It means recognising that you have strengths and weaknesses, just like everyone else. You can make mistakes without becoming a terrible person, and you can succeed without needing to place yourself above others.

2. Difficulty Setting Functional Boundaries

You find it hard to set healthy boundaries

If your boundaries are too weak, you might say yes when you mean no, feel responsible for other people's feelings, tolerate behaviour that hurts you, or become so focused on meeting someone else's needs that you lose sight of your own.

If your boundaries are too strong, you might keep people at arm's length, struggle to trust others, avoid vulnerability, or find it difficult to ask for help or let people get close to you.

Both are forms of unhealthy boundaries. One leaves you vulnerable to losing yourself in relationships; the other can leave you feeling isolated and disconnected from the closeness you long for.

Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, are flexible. They help you protect yourself while still allowing closeness and connection.

3. Difficulty Owning Your Own Reality

You don't always trust your own thoughts and feelings

You might second-guess yourself, minimise your own needs, avoid conflict at all costs, keep your feelings to yourself, or constantly wonder if you're overreacting. Perhaps you're so used to focusing on everyone else that you've lost touch with how you really feel, what you want, or what you need. For example, you might find yourself asking other people whether your feelings are valid, rather than trusting your own judgement.

4. Difficulty Attending to Your Own Needs and Wants

You struggle to get your own needs met

You struggle to recognise, express, or attend to your own needs and wants.

You may spend much of your time attending to other people instead: pleasing them, rescuing them, solving their problems, managing their feelings, or trying to prevent them from becoming upset. Their needs can feel urgent and important, while your own are postponed, minimised, or ignored.

You may become dependent on others to meet your needs and wants, hoping someone else will rescue, protect, or take care of you. Or you may become antidependent, attempting to have no needs or wants and finding it difficult to ask for or receive help.

Many people move between these positions. You might long for support but feel uncomfortable receiving it, or fear that expressing your needs will make you selfish, weak, demanding, or a burden. Over time, you may become so accustomed to focusing on everyone else that you are no longer sure what you need or want for yourself.

5. Difficulty Experiencing and Expressing Reality Moderately

Your feelings can become difficult to manage

You may feel your emotions so intensely that they become overwhelming, or you may disconnect from them altogether by shutting down, going numb, or convincing yourself you're "fine."

For many people, these feelings are managed through coping strategies such as addiction, compulsive sex, overworking, anger, people-pleasing, caretaking, or withdrawing from others.

If you're struggling with drugs or alcohol, you can learn more about my Addiction Therapy services.

How Codependency Can Show Up in Relationships

These five core symptoms don't exist in isolation. More often, they shape the way we experience ourselves and the people we're closest to.

You may find yourself putting your partner's needs ahead of your own, whilst barely noticing that your own needs have disappeared from the relationship.

You might struggle to say no, fearing that setting a boundary will disappoint someone, create conflict, or even lead to rejection.

Perhaps you constantly second-guess your own thoughts, feelings, or instincts, looking to other people to tell you whether you're overreacting or whether your feelings are even valid.

You may apologise for things that aren't your responsibility, minimise your own hurt, or convince yourself you're "making a fuss" when something genuinely doesn't feel okay.

Over time, it can become difficult to know where you end and another person begins. Their moods become your moods. Their approval determines how you feel about yourself, whilst their distance can feel unbearable.

If this feels familiar, you may also find it helpful to read Why We Repeat the Same Relationship Patterns, where I explore how these patterns often develop and why they can feel so difficult to change.

Why We Can End Up Feeling Resentful

Many people with codependent patterns don't think of themselves as resentful. They see themselves as caring, dependable and always willing to help. Yet over time, constantly putting other people's needs first can become exhausting.

When we struggle to recognise or express our own needs, it's easy to hope that other people will notice our efforts, appreciate our sacrifices, or eventually give back what we've been giving them. When that doesn't happen, resentment can quietly build, often followed by guilt for feeling that way at all.

The problem isn't caring about other people. It's that relationships become one-sided when our own needs are repeatedly ignored or left unspoken. Learning to recognise and express those needs is one of the ways healthier, more balanced relationships begin to develop as we start to recover from codependency.

What Recovery from Codependency Can Look Like

Healing from codependency isn't about becoming selfish or stopping caring about other people. It's about learning that your needs matter just as much as everyone else's.

Over time, many people find they become more comfortable saying no without feeling guilty. They stop taking responsibility for other people's emotions. They begin trusting their own judgement instead of constantly looking for reassurance. Relationships become more balanced because they're no longer built around fear, guilt, or the need to earn love.

You don't stop being kind or caring. You simply stop losing yourself in the process.

Recovery also means discovering that healthy relationships aren't built on imbalance. They allow space for both people to have needs, to ask for help, to disagree, to make mistakes and to repair things when relationships become strained. Over time, many people find they become more comfortable accepting support without feeling guilty, expressing what they need without fearing they're being selfish, and remaining okay even when someone else is not okay. This kind of mutual, balanced relationship is described as healthy interdependence. Rather than losing yourself in another person or keeping everyone at arm's length, you begin learning how to stay connected to both yourself and the people you care about.

Recovery often means developing a different understanding of boundaries. Rather than trying to make other people change their behaviour, healthy boundaries are about recognising what you will and won't accept, and deciding how you'll respond when those boundaries are crossed. They also involve allowing other people to make their own choices, even when we disagree with them or wish they'd choose differently.

These changes often extend beyond romantic relationships. You may become more comfortable building friendships where support goes both ways, rather than always being the one who listens, rescues or copes alone. Instead of keeping your own struggles to yourself, it becomes easier to let trusted people know when you need support. Over time, relationships can begin to feel more mutual, and you may find yourself feeling less alone because you're no longer carrying everything by yourself.

Many people also discover that healthy relationships don't require them to avoid conflict at all costs. Disagreements no longer have to mean rejection, abandonment or the end of the relationship. Instead of apologising automatically, shutting down or trying to keep the peace, it becomes possible to express difficult feelings, tolerate discomfort and repair relationships when things go wrong. Healthy relationships aren't free from conflict. They're built on the confidence that it can be worked through together.

How Shame Fuels Codependency

At the heart of codependency is often shame.

Not just shame about what we've done, but shame about who we are.

You might feel guilty for having needs. Ashamed for feeling angry. Weak for asking for help. Selfish for saying no. You may find yourself constantly trying to be more useful, more successful, more attractive, or more accommodating, hoping that if you can just be enough, you'll finally feel enough.

When we carry that kind of shame, it's easy to lose ourselves. We start looking to other people to tell us we're okay. We put their needs ahead of our own. We become afraid of rejection, conflict, or disappointing people. Sometimes we numb those feelings through addiction or other compulsive behaviours.

Healing from codependency isn't simply about changing those behaviours. It's about changing the way you see yourself.

Because when you stop believing there's something fundamentally wrong with you, you no longer have to spend your life trying to prove your worth.

You come to realise that you’ve always been worthy. You just lost sight of it.

How Therapy Can Help

If you've recognised yourself in this page, therapy can help you understand where these patterns came from and, more importantly, begin changing them.

Together, we can explore the shame that often sits beneath codependency, help you build a healthier relationship with yourself, and develop the confidence to set boundaries, trust your own judgement, and build relationships where you no longer have to lose yourself to feel loved or accepted.

If you'd like to explore how we might work together, you can find out more about working together or get in touch to arrange an initial session.