Chemsex Therapy for Gay, Bi & LGBTQ+ Men
Why Chemsex Can Be So Hard To Leave Behind
Chemsex isn’t just about the drugs and the sex.
It's about what happens when these drugs* become intertwined with sex, intimacy, connection and, sometimes, our sense of who we are.
When sex, drugs and connection become tangled together, they create something so much greater than the sum of their parts. Belonging. Confidence. Power. Liberation. Intensity.
To fuck with complete abandon.
How the hell can anything compete with that?
But sooner or later, the bill comes due.
And so stopping is often much more complicated than just putting them down. It can feel like you're giving up intimacy, community, excitement, the most amazing sex, and even a part of yourself.
That's one of the reasons breaking free can feel so much harder than people imagine.
*There isn’t a standard definition of what drugs actually constitute chems. When I write about them, I’m referring to T, G and M-Cat.
What Chemsex Gives Us
Because if the story was simply about getting high, we'd probably all eventually get bored of reading it and move on.
Instead, chemsex often gives us a way of managing things that we don't know how to manage in any other way.
Loneliness and disconnection.
Shame and self-loathing.
The fear that nobody will ever really want us.
The desire to fuck freely, without all the hang-ups we carry when we're sober.
That unnamed feeling that maybe all we have to offer another man is our dick, our ass, our body.
The need to feel accepted, desired, wanted.
Sometimes it reaches back even further. Bullying. A fucked-up home life. Growing up being told that there’s something wrong with us.
We've spent so many years hiding parts of ourselves from the world that we no longer know how to live any other way.
How Therapy Can Help
By the time people come to therapy, they've usually already tried to stop.
They've deleted the apps. They've promised themselves it was the last time. They've tried only using at weekends, only with certain people, only drinking instead, only taking one drug instead of three.
They've already tried harder.
Therapy isn't about trying harder.
It’s about trying something new. About understanding why chemsex became such a powerful answer in the first place, so that over time, it no longer has to be.
And once we know what it is that you’ve been looking for, I can help you find it somewhere that doesn't leave you picking up the pieces on Monday. Or Tuesday. Or even Wednesday morning.
A Different Way To Live
One day you'll realise it's Friday and chemsex hasn't crossed your mind.
Not because you're forcing yourself not to think about it.
Because you're looking forward to something else instead.
You'll stop seeing every attractive guy as someone you have to impress or sleep with. Sometimes you'll just enjoy flirting. Sometimes you'll have sex that you actually remember. Sometimes you'll discover that sober sex can be intimate, playful, awkward, exciting and deeply satisfying all at once.
You'll stop carrying the constant fear that someone is about to discover what you've been doing.
Monday mornings will become... Monday mornings.
You'll stop negotiating with yourself.
You’ll be able to use the apps and hold your boundaries around sober sex.
Or maybe you’ll decide that the apps no longer give you what you want.
You'll discover that confidence feels very different when it isn't coming out of a bottle, a syringe or a baggie.
The loneliness won't disappear overnight. Neither will the shame.
But they won't be running your life anymore. You’ll be able to greet them like old friends. To maybe sit with them a while and then show them the door.
You'll realise that what you thought you were looking for was never really the chems.
It was in intimacy.
In acceptance.
In belonging.
In finally feeling at home in your own skin.
Maybe It's Time
Maybe you've recognised yourself on this page.
If you've tried to stop before, it doesn't mean you've failed.
It probably means you've been trying to solve the wrong problem.
And maybe it's time to try something different.
My Experience
When you're looking for a therapist, you want to know that the person sitting opposite you genuinely understands what you're talking about.
Alongside my professional training as a therapist, I've spent many years working in addiction and recovery services, supporting people struggling with substance use and compulsive behaviours. In 2019, I led work exploring what support for chemsex users could be introduced within one of London's prisons.
As a gay man, I also understand how experiences of stigma, rejection, shame and feeling different can become woven into our relationships with sex, drugs and ourselves.
Everything I've written on this page comes not only from professional training and years of clinical experience, but from having lived through addiction myself and living in recovery for the past 28 years.