Addiction & Recovery
So What Is Addiction?
As I see it — and as I’ve personally experienced it — addiction is the loss of control once we start using or engaging in a behaviour, combined with the inability to stay stopped on our own.
Whether it's alcohol, chems or other drugs, pornography, sex, hook-ups, work, or another compulsive behaviour we often find ourselves making promises we can't keep...
“This time will be different.”
“I’ll just have one.”
“I’ll only use at weekends.”
And yet somehow we find ourselves back there again, often justifying why it happened, even as the consequences begin to pile up.
Over time, addiction can become a way of avoiding painful feelings, difficult realities, shame, loneliness, anxiety, or parts of ourselves we struggle to face.
When It Doesn't Look Like Addiction
One of the reasons addiction can be so difficult to recognise is that it doesn't always fit the stereotypes many of us have in mind.
This is especially true with alcohol. Because drinking is so socially accepted, it can be difficult to recognise when your relationship with it has started to change. You might still be going to work, keeping up with relationships, meeting your responsibilities and appearing to have everything under control. Yet privately, you may be wondering why it's harder to stop where you intended, why one or two drinks so often become several, or why alcohol feels increasingly important at the end of a stressful day.
Alcohol isn't unique. The same can be true of cocaine, chemsex, pornography, sex, work and other compulsive behaviours. From the outside, life may still look successful, while privately you find yourself making promises you struggle to keep, returning to something you meant to avoid, or relying on it more and more to cope with difficult feelings.
Many people spend months, or even years, trying to regain control before asking whether they need help.
Many of us assume we should be able to sort it out ourselves. We tell ourselves we just need more willpower, more discipline, or a better plan. So instead of asking whether we need support, we make new rules, set new limits, or promise ourselves that this time will be different.
When those attempts don't work, it's easy to conclude that we simply haven't tried hard enough yet. The possibility that we might need help is pushed further into the future while we keep searching for the solution that will finally allow us to regain control on our own.
For many people, the hardest part isn't admitting the behaviour has become difficult to control. It's admitting they may not be able to solve it entirely by themselves. Needing help can feel like a judgement on our character rather than a realistic response to a difficult situation.
That cycle can continue for years. People often remain outwardly functional while privately questioning their relationship with alcohol or other behaviours, delaying the point at which they seriously allow themselves to consider that outside support might help.
If any of this feels familiar, my article Am I An Addict? explores some of the questions many people ask themselves before deciding whether to seek help.
So What Is Recovery?
Recovery, to me, is about far more than simply stopping.
It's about understanding why we kept reaching for the thing we were trying to quit, and gradually building a life where we don't need it in the same way.
Therapy isn't simply about helping you stop. It's about understanding what you've been turning to for relief, escape, confidence, connection, distraction or protection from painful emotions. As those needs are understood and met in healthier ways, recovery often becomes more sustainable.
One of the hardest parts of recovery is that different parts of us often want different things at the same time. Part of us may desperately want life to change, while another part still remembers how much the addiction helped us cope. That doesn't mean you're failing or not trying hard enough. It means you're trying to let go of something that has served an important purpose, even if it's now causing harm.
Recovery often involves:
learning to tolerate difficult emotions
developing healthier coping strategies
building self-worth
grieving losses
setting boundaries
reconnecting with ourselves and others
learning how to feel safe without needing to escape
No two people’s recovery will look exactly the same. I work with gay, bi, queer and straight men, including trans men, and provide a trans-affirming, non-binary-inclusive space. While we may share common experiences, our individual histories, identities and relationships will also shape what recovery looks like for each of us.
Some people may find they can change their relationship with a substance or behaviour without complete abstinence. For others, abstinence may be the safest and most supportive path.
I will respect your choices and autonomy as we explore what recovery means for you, while also gently challenging denial where I believe it may be keeping you stuck.
Early Recovery
Early recovery can be an especially difficult place to be.
Often we’ve put down our old ways of coping, but haven’t yet developed new ones. Without support, this can leave people feeling emotionally exposed, overwhelmed, anxious, restless, numb, or unsure who they are without the addiction.
Early recovery often means learning how to:
get through a bad day without using
understand what keeps pulling you back
sit with difficult feelings without needing to escape them
build routines that support your recovery
begin believing you can rely on yourself again
And when you're ready, we can begin looking at what's been driving the addiction all along, whether that's shame, trauma, loneliness or feeling like you're never quite enough. Because until those things start to change, it's easy to keep reaching for the thing that helped you survive.
What Recovery Can Make Possible
Over time, many people find they stop thinking about using every waking minute. They begin trusting themselves again. Relationships become easier. They laugh more. They feel more like themselves. They can enjoy sex without needing to be high. Life stops revolving around getting through the day.
Additional Addiction & Recovery Support in London
For some people, weekly therapy sessions may feel enough to support recovery. For others, additional support may also be important.
If you're physically dependent on alcohol, benzodiazepines or GHB/GBL, it's vital to seek medical advice before trying to stop on your own, as you may need medical support to withdraw safely.
Where appropriate, I may encourage you to explore:
Community drug and alcohol services
Group therapy
Rehab or more intensive treatment
Any decisions around support and recovery pathways will always remain your choice.
Further reading
