How I Work the 12 Steps Without Believing in God
This Isn't the Only Way to Understand the Steps
This is just my way of understanding them.
I don’t want to do too deep a dive into them, but I hope my thoughts may be of use nonetheless.
Plenty of people work the steps just as they are written. And that works for them.
I’ve had to take a deeper dive into them, to figure out what they mean to me as an atheist.
Underneath it all, I believe the principles remain the same.
And more often than not, if not always, we are taking the same actions.
At the end of the day, it’s not a programme of beliefs. It’s a programme of action.
Take what you want, and leave the rest.
Powerlessness Isn't About Being Weak
In Step 1, we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol—or whatever addiction or compulsive behaviour brought us into recovery—and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Notice the past tense here. We don’t remain powerless.
And notice that it doesn’t stop at ‘we were powerless’. We are not admitting that we are powerless people in general. Just that we’re powerless in this instance.
And powerlessness is the inability to control how much, or for how long, we use, and the lack of willpower to just stay stopped.
It is my experience that through working the steps, we find ourselves empowered.
We connect with power(s) outside of ourselves, and we connect with our own innate power.
We no longer have to be passive participants in life. We no longer have to be people to whom life just happens.
We get to become our own agents and our own advocates. We get to forge our own paths.
Recognising our powerlessness doesn't mean we'll one day be able to use successfully.
But the obsession and compulsion to use leaves us and we are restored to sanity.*
And what of unmanageability? That is up to us to examine.
Can we manage our own lives? Can we take care of ourselves? Do we show up in the world as responsible adults? Is our external life chaotic? Is our inner, emotional world chaotic?
Each of us may answer those questions differently, but I think they're at the heart of what Step One invites us to explore as we begin to break through our denial.
*The insanity of Step 2 is and never was about any mental health diagnosis. It is the insanity of doing the same thing over and over, hoping that somehow we will achieve a different outcome.
The Inventory
Turning to Step 4, we come across the word “moral” as a descriptor for the inventory.
For me, a better word would be honest.
Because that is what’s required. An honest and thorough look at ourselves.
And the things that drive us—most notably resentment, fear and shame.
I won’t devote much time to 4 & 5 here, as they’re not steps I’ve had to get my head around as an atheist. But they are so very important.
It’s my experience that when it comes to the sharing of the inventory, God is optional and sharing it with another human being is what is really important.
For me, when I did step 5 with my then-sponsor, something magical happened.
I shared with them all of my inner darkness and shame that had come up in the writing of the inventory.
And they shared back with me their similarities.
And they accepted me just as I was.
And in that moment, I started to see that maybe I wasn’t all that bad.
Maybe I wasn’t all that different.
And that I was accepted as a human being.
Am I Defective?
Steps 6 & 7 refer to "character defects” and “shortcomings”, which are the same thing (the original author of the steps didn’t want to repeat “character defects” twice for stylistic purposes).
And it’s wording that makes me shudder.
The notion that somehow I’m “defective”.
Because I’m not.
I’m not perfect and I’m not defective.
I see them more as “character defaults”.
They are ways I react. My default settings.
And they are born of my wounds.
Defences to protect myself.
But they don’t serve me well. If at all.
They are not the man I strive to be, nor become.
They hold me back, trip me up.
They get in the way of my connecting at an intimate level with my fellow humans.
I’ve not seen them be removed by any outside forces.
It’s my responsibility to become aware of when they arise,
And to choose to act from a loving place, instead of reacting from a place of hurt.
And the newfound awareness of them, from having done the inventory, allows me choice.
I don’t have to keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.
I can choose and strive to be different.
And Last, But By No Means Least…
Of course, I couldn’t write about the 12 steps and how this atheist approaches them without tackling the elephants in the room.
Steps 3 & 11.
“3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
“11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”
What is this thing “will”? Must I give up all notion of will and follow the herd like a Zombie?
Oh Hell No!
I still have my will and I still have my willpower. Indeed, I can be very wilful at times.
Too wilful, in fact.
“Self-will run riot” (one of my favourite lines from AA literature).
When I am in a place of fear, when I am afraid of not getting my desired outcome, and I’m operating from a place of hurt,
I can switch into one of my default settings, of trying to control people, situations and/or outcomes.
I can disregard others and their needs and wants, and trample all over them.
And in so doing, hurt people I care about.
And that’s not how I want to be.
For me, step 3 is an invitation to let go. To let go of the desire to control.
To trust in the process.
To trust that even if I don’t get what I want or need, I will be okay.
And I always have been.
Life isn’t fair.
Nor is in unfair.
It just is.
And I can trust that I will be okay, despite the uncertainty, because I’m not alone. I have my network of supportive friends and family.
When it comes to step 11, I don’t pray. Not even at the end of a meeting when the Serenity prayer is recited.
But I do talk - to my friends in recovery whose opinions I trust. I check things over with them and get their objective insights on situations in which I may be unsure.
And meditation is listening to their replies and sitting with their loving words.
Sometimes I might practise some mindfulness.
One day I might explore Buddhist meditations.
Whatever it is, meditation allows me to be in the present. In the here and now.
Indeed, the whole process of the 12 steps is, in my opinion, a route to be able to better live in the here and now.
To not be ruled by fear, resentment, guilt, shame, remorse etc. - all emotions that either pull me back into the past or out in to the future.
Because the here and now is all I, or you, truly have.
This fleeting moment in time.
And it is my belief that in learning to live in the here and now,
We find peace
Peace with other people.
Peace with the world.
Peace with ourselves.
My understanding of the programme continues to evolve.
I don’t have all the answers.
And I continue to ask questions.
I continue to discover new meanings.
And I'm grateful that there's still room within the fellowships for people like me to do exactly that.
Further reading
If you'd like to explore these ideas further, you might also find these articles helpful: