12-Step Recovery Without God

I Didn't Become Sober as an Atheist

I didn’t grow up in a particularly religious home.

My parents would go to church and I went to Sunday School.

I think perhaps it was more because it was the “done thing” than them having any strong religious beliefs.

As a queer teenager, I didn’t want any part of religion.

I don’t recall having a strong sense of the “God stuff” in 12-step before I went to my first meeting.

But it wasn’t something I struggled with in those early days and years.

The people and meetings I found were what I would call liberal.

There wasn’t any dogma.

There wasn’t anybody trying to shove their beliefs down my throat.

Instead, I was invited to find my own concept of ‘God’.

And so I did.

For the first several years, I believed in a benign creator.

One who offered unconditional love, even to a gay guy.

One who cared for me.

One who would keep me safe.

And for many years, that worked.

Until it didn’t.

At around 16 years abstinent, I found myself questioning my beliefs.

And over time, I realised I no longer believed.

I realised I'd become an atheist.

And I realised I was going to have to approach the steps differently.

I Had to Reinterpret the Programme

It hasn’t been an easy journey, though.

I’ve wrestled with things.

Wrestled over whether 12-step was still right for me.

Wrestled over how I’d work the steps now that I didn’t believe in God.

I’m grateful, though, that the sponsor and friends I had at the time gave me space to question,

To search

And to find.

To find my own understanding.

An understanding that continues to evolve.

Today, I don’t have a ‘Higher Power’.

Instead, I see and experience all kinds of different powers that I can lean on and tap into for support.

Friends.

Family.

My therapist and my supervisor.

Doctors and healthcare staff.

And more.

Together, they provide me with a support network.

Something to lean on when times get hard.

Something to belong to. To feel anchored by.

There’s still room for me in 12-step.

Recovery Doesn't Belong to One Way of Believing

I won’t lie, sometimes I feel like a heretic for saying I don’t have a ‘Higher Power’ (capital H, capital P).

But I always come back to tradition 3 - “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking/using/etc.”

I’m a member when I say I am.

Nobody gets to vote me out because my beliefs don’t “fit”.

There are members who may vehemently disagree with me.

Think I’m wrong.

And that’s okay.

I don’t need their approval or permission.

I get to do the programme my way.

And I’ve met like-minded fellows.

And plenty of fellows who respect my autonomy, as I do theirs.

My experience is that there isn’t one single “right” way of doing 12-step.

We all do things a little, or a lot, differently.

And that, for me, is the beauty of it.

We get to take what we want and leave the rest.

So, if you're someone who's been put off 12-step because you don't believe in God, I hope you know there's more than one way to understand it.



Further reading

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